A Date With Insecurity

What it look like folk. Its Steez back again to holla @ y'all. Just wanted to touch on something right quick. Man its a beautiful Friday here in Philly. Even though its kinda nippy outside. But whatever its pay day and I'm feelin good. So I won't bore you with the silly dilly, Shall we?

This post was birthed in my mind this morning on my way to work. When I'm on the train there is this group of men that seemingly work at a construction site or for a contracting company. Burly men with scruffy beards and the ever present fingernail grime. Some even have toolboxes/toolbelts and hard hats. I find myself envying them. Not for any other reason than I don't know how to fix shit. And prolly cause somewhere in the recesses of my mind, the part that television and american media has long occupied, they are what I think a man should be. I envision them going out building something, coming home to their wife who has cleaned the house and cooked dinner. I'm sure this is bullshit but hey...I'm not the only conditioned muhfucka out here.

Anyway, I'm not comparing myself to these men, I'm sure they look at me and maybe wish they didn't have to do manual labor and could sit on their ass at a computer all day. But they have something I want. I want to be able to fix some shit. Be it my house or my car. ANYTHING. One, because I'm tired of paying other people to do it, and two, I think its my job. Now I can put shit together, that's not a problem. But for instance, the toilet in my crib is fucked up, and I don't really know how to fix it. My wife teases me for not being good with my hands. Now I'm sure its mostly a joke, but I believe there is a measure of truth in it. And quite frankly I feel bad sometimes. I want to be able to do shit that I can't.

A large part of this is me growing up with no man around. My grandad was but he was old and he fell back. By the time my mom got with my stepdad I was 12. Being rebellious. My stepdad is good around the house. My mom always sent me to "help" him do stuff. Being that I didn't want to, my version of help was holding the various tools until he needed them. I never paid attention. I was gonna be rich enough to pay someone to do all that shit for me. LOL. Well here I am, not rich and unable to do light home repairs. I fucked up. I have a desire to learn a lot of shit, and in time I'm sure I will. But for now I feel quite helpless. Being cerebral don't count for much if you aren't profitting from it. And I think, who is gonna teach my sons?

There you have it. Your main square Steez, a smart guy that doesn't have the money to pay people to do shit that he doesn't have the know how to do himself...

I'm out