Love is Love, Love

What it look like folk. Its ya boy the internets favorite square, Steez, back at y'all with these here chronicles. Its a dreary day here in the City of Brotherly Thugs. Has ya host in a very contemplative mood. I caught a lot of flack for my last two blogs. Even a couple requests to remove them. No dice. These are my thoughts and my feelings. If you don't like them don't read them. But enough about that, let's get to bidness, shall we.....

As I said I am feeling really contemplative in the wake of what has happened between Butterbear and I. I started thinking about love vs hate vs indifference. I realized that after 27 years love is the word I have used the most, but ultimately the one I understand the least. Whether genuine or used as a flattery, love is the ultimate hyperbole. I realized that I have said that I loved people, things, and places that I knew that I didn't. Why? I don't know. I am currently examining two instances where love is constantly drawing me towards someone, and also where love is pushing me away from someone else. In both instances the love, while largely unspoken, is genuine.

I was trying to examine why we build prison houses such as these for ourselves. Then we have to slap words such as "unconditional" "endless" or "undying" on them to validate them, and also as an excuse to never really show love or express it in any meaningful way. I was discussing with a friend of mine of why saying "I love you" is important. She didn't believe that it is. And I dig it. Its not, not if you have other ways of conveying the emotion. But then I thought, how often is it that we say that knowing its a lie. I admit to doing that quite often. I have relationships where those words are as hollow as "God Bless You". Am I wrong for saying it? Maybe. But it is that which it is.

I have also realized that with the excetion of one person, the people I love the most, are the people I say it to the least. I actually can recall only one time that my grandmother told me she loved me. I was a teen and she was in a hospital bed. I truly believe that she thought she was going to die, and felt the need to tell me that. I hear it all the time whenever I think of her. Of all the times people have told me that, that is the one that is most special to me.

When its all said and done I'm no closer to understanding love, or even knowing how to properly express it. I guess it will be a lifelong journey, maybe I will get tired of searching who knows. But to all those I never told, I love you.

I'm out

Daddy Did It

What it look like folk? Its that square Steez back at ya with the chronicles. Today is a brisk Thursday morning. I'm a little hungover, which caused me to miss my train and be more than a little late for work. But its all to the good. Let's get to the bidness at hand....shall we?

So since Butterbear and I have decided to stop wasting each others time, we have had more than a couple arguments(with the police being called twice). A recurring theme has been the children. Moreover she repeatedly has told me that she has a deeper bond with the kids than I do? To that I say...GTFOH!!! I guess she's trying to convince herself. Either that or she is rehearsing for family court. Either way its bullshit and she knows it.

This is a prevalent thought especially in the black community. We are a maternal society, for obvious reasons. But don't get it confused ladies, just because you shit out a couple kids doesn't make you Claire Huxtable. There are a lot of half assed or no assed dads out there I know. But there is an equal amount of half assed moms. What women like Butterbear need to understand is that the bond from a father is miles away from where a bond with a mother should be.

Of my four children, three of their first word were da-da(daddy) for whatever reason. I'm extremely close with my kids. But I realize that a lot of men in my age bracket aren't. Something else I realize is that fathers(present or not) are typically blamed for any and all shortcomings a person have, and rarely given credit for success. Peep Dear Mama by Tupac....his mother was a crackhead, and he had nothing but love for her. Even though her being a crackhead probably contributed to the hardships he rapped about in that song, he still took time to shit on his father(who wasn't around) in that song and several others.

As black people we have been conditioned to devalue the importance of men in general and fathers in particular. Some of this is warranted. Because as I stated there are a lot of half assed daddies. But each day there are men like me that wan their children to have the father figure that they never had. And for any woman(my wife included) to try to strip that is not only stupid, but dangerous. So miss me with that bonding shit, when you ain't waking up on the weeken to feed your kids, you ain't feeding them properly among other things. You ain't a mother at that point...you're just the hole they came through.

I'm out

Mama Told Me There'd Be Days Like This

*sigh*
What it look like folk? Its that square guy Steez back at y'all with some of these chronicles. I'm fittin to get right to it as I'm not in the mood to fuck around today. Shall we?

Well my marriage is essentially over. Among other problems(some that I have written about on this very blog) Butterbear caught me out there fuckin around. The story is the same as you've heard from several young black people you know. Girl suspects something, girl goes through boys shit, girl finds out about other girl, shit hits fan. That happened like 3 weeks ago or two. I don't know. In any event she doesn't want me anymore and I have finally gotten the out that I've been looking for for the past few years, or was I?

As I write this I am trying my damndest to stay objective and not trash her. But at the same time this is MY blog, not a Boyz II Men song. Feel me? When its all said and done we both fell short of what we should have been. And while her missteps aren't as openly egregious as mine, they hold no less weight. Basically saying, if we stated that the rules were to be one way, and she circumventented them for her own game isn't that "cheating". Word game? Maybe.

I wrote a blog some months ago questioning whether we were ready to be married when we jumped the broom almost 7 years ago. I came to the summation that we(or at least I) wasnt/weren't. Over the past few days my wife has sounded like a Mary J song mixed with a lifetime movie. Fuck that. All that "I just want my family and my life back, but YOU ruined it" she even had the nerve a week ago to say she wants her freedom. WHAT?!?!?!? Not to be callous but isn't she the one who went through my personal belongings like I was a prison inmate. FOH.

In short, as a man I acknowledge any and all wrongdoing. I take responsibility for my actions. I was wrong for stepping out. I was wrong for being decietful to the woman I vowed to be honest with. But most of all I was wrong for being shortsighted enough that I failed to realize that to HER marriage was the destination and not the beginning of the journey. And lastly I was wrong for not listening to my mother.....

I'm out

Monopoly On Pain

What it look like good folk? It's ya main square Steez back at it on the blogosphere. I'm sorry I been gone for so long since the last entry. Sorry to say I've been mourning since my last entry. One of my younger cousins passed on some tragic shit. And frankly I haven't had shit to say. But I'm back now, so, let's get to it. Shall we....

Recently I've been up in my hometown of the Steel City(Pittsburgh Pennsylvania for those of you not in the know). Spending time with my fam in the wake of this tragedy. While doing so I realized something that I guess has always been apparent to me. Black people like to have a monopoly on pain. But also never share happiness. What I mean is, at the funeral everyone wanted everyone else to know that THEY were the saddest person there. Don't get me wrong, it was sad no doubt. The square even shed more than a couple tears. Now, there wasn't the typical grandstanding. But I noticed more than a couple instances of bullshit. It is that which it is I guess.

But that isn't my real issue. Everyone grieves in their own way. My question is, why, as black people aren't we as free and open with our happiness? Given all the shit we've endured as a people, why do we find it so hard to express joy, yet invite others to wallow in agony with us? I don't have the answer. Though I've been thinking on it for the better part of 3 weeks. I want those of you that read this to comment. But not really on the nature of this piece(though you can if you want). But I want everyone that comments to share a happy memory with all of the readers of this blog. Ima do the same right now.

I remember when my cousin Marcus(the one that passed) fucked his leg up riding his dirtbike. He had to have surgery and all that....even got a staph infection. Well he got through all that. Had a big cast on his leg and all that. Well me and his older brother(we were like 15 at the time) used to hit the mall every weekend. Get dressed, try to talk to girls, buy a shirt or something. Well this time Marcus wanted to come. So my aunt FORCED us to take him with us. Well we get to the mall and he's on crutches. We get him one of those jackleg mall wheelchairs. Now this nigga got fresh just like us. So here we are taking turns pushing him around the mall and still tryna front for the girls. While he is sitting in the wheelchair cocked to the side like he's Don Magic Juan or some shit. LOL.

I'm out

How Many of us Have Them

What it look like good folk? I know its been a while. But I'm back droppin that square knowledge for y'all. For those of y'all that don't know I'm the friendly neighborhood square Steez. Since its been a minute, I won't bore y'all with the details. Let's get to it, shall we?

I've been racking my brain for things to talk about on here. Nothing good was coming to me. Then the longer the time between blogs, the more I felt compelled to hit y'all with the Doug E. Then it hit me, FRIENDS. A universal problem/blessing. So I've lined up four situations or scenarios going on in my life. Hopefully y'all can feel me.

I've never had many friends. I typically kept people around for convenience or to stroke my own ego. But lifelong bond type friends has never been my specialty. Then I looked at my facebook(yeah I have one of those) and clicked on the "friends" tab. Of the 30 some odd images that popped up, aside from family and coworkers I realized I haven't seen most of these people since before I had hair on my nuts. And most of them weren't my friends THEN. From there I was looking through my old blogs. I went all the way back to the first one. I had just parted ways with a friend of over 12 years. I was angry. I was hurt. I was confused. Is that what friendship is about? Well this young lady is back in my life...sorta. she is currently at the business end of a mighty stiff arm, compliments of yours truly. Recently I had a conversation with a *ahem* friend. She said "friends should never be a burden". Talk about real shit. Though I knew this subconsciously, which is the reason for the distance between the original friend and I, it held more weight coming from someone else.

Next, I wanna talk about Butterbear and I. Now, as most of y'all know, her and I were friends before we took it to where it is now. Like really really good friends. Recently I can't but help to think that the friendship, while it is the foundation for our union, is also the reason for its detriment. Feel me. We have all been there with a friend when the joke goes "too far" and someone gets punched in the mouth. Well how do you handle that when the friend is your wife? Things that are easily hashed out or even forgotten about when dealing with friends are now marital issues. Household problems. Having a friend you deem to be lazy is one thing. Having a lazy spouse is totally different. Dig? I have resolved that our friendship is gonna save or completely destroy our marriage.

Speaking of destruction, I have completely laid waste to a friendship that I've had for a while now. Nah there isn't any beef but my actions within the confines of the friendship have assured that said friendship is on borrowed time. What can I say? I have an addiction to high explosives. Let's just hope I can handle the earthquake that is coming.

Lastly, I wanna shout out my muthafuckin FRIENDS Rick, Tiz, and Mel. They are pretty much the only real friends I have. And most definitely the only friends I've made since becoming an adult. We shared an evening together in celebration of our(me, rick, and mel) birthdays. Ball isn't the word. We all had the greatest fuckin time imaginable at Dave and Busters. Good food, good drank, good friends. What else could a square ask for?

I'm out

Parents Just Don't Understand

Yo what it look like folk? Its Steez back at y'all with a lil post. I was chillin with my kidss and got to lookin back on my own square childhood. So I decided to share somethings with y'all. Its gonnna be pretty short and sweet so.....Shall we?

Instead of getting all teary eyed about my past I decided to have a lil more fun with it. I'm gonna list the 5 Wackest pieces of Gear my mom ever put on me. To preface this conversation I must say that like a lot of you we didn't have much money. My mom was a single mother raising 2 bad ass little boys. She got laid off and was out of work for a spell. So as you can imagine a lot of my clothes were hand me downs. Some also came from the Red White And Blue, which was more or less a bootleg Goodwill(imagine the horror). So without further adieu I will give you the Top 5 Wackest Pieces of Gear my mom ever got me.

5. A bright red pleather Duck feather Down jacket. This is when everyone was rocking Triple Fat Goose down jackets. My mom got me this atrocity. Add to that the fact we lived in a Crip neighborhood and I would have most likely been gunned down for wearing it.....

4. This one is low on the list cause I asked for it. I knew my mom would never spring for some Jordans so I would have her go to Payless and get me the look alikes. Instead of the jumpman logo they just had a nigga holding a basketball on them. Where was Shaq back then?

3. My mom bought me a whole collection of those MC Hammer parachute pants. All different colors and patterns. *shakes head*

2. This irregular ass Enyce shirt....the shirt itself was fly. But the sleeves were too tight. Now I got some pipe cleaners and I was STILL doing the Hulk in this shirt.

And the coup de grace...the ABSOLUTE worst piece of gear I ever had to rock(Bosslady 82 you might remember this one)

1. A Fila Hat. Now, this one deserves some explaining. Peep this is when Fila was the shilznit. I always got the hook up for the first day of school, being that my b day is usually a week or so before. So this was it...my first day in the 6th grade...at a new school. I wanted some new fila kicks, a fila sweatsuit, and a matching hat. My mom came the fuck THROUGH. Navy blue sweatsuit with red and white trim. White high tops with navy and red trim. Pretty fly right? Well let's get to the hat....it was a navy hat with FILA written across the front. The only problem was Fila was spelled out with those white felt iron on letters. LMFAO. My mom couldn't find a hat she liked so she MADE one. Lol. Man I rocked it anyway. Just to the back so people couldn't tease me to my face.

So there it is...my list. Why I'm a square frome way back. Y'all can respond with some of your worst gear memories if you like.

I'm out

P.s. I just wanna say thanks to my mom....I know you were doing the best you could.

Tryna Make it in a Stupid World pt 4

What it look like folk. Its ya favorite square Steez shining a bright light on the stupidity out there. This one is located right under the market frankford el where frankford meets kensington for those of you located in philly. This used to be a porn theatre. It closed down a year or so ago.....now I see why. I don't know about y'all but I don't know who is dumber. The muthafucker that mispelled the sign. Or the person that actually hung it up.

Do You.....

What it look like folk? Its been a minute since I blogged. Not much been crackalakin. I was gonna blog about Steve McNair(r.i.p) but couldn't find much to say about it. Oh, for those of you wondering and that have hit me up and asked, me and butterbear are getting it together. Thanks for your concern, or at least your nosiness disguised as concern. But let's get down to bidness. Shall we......

Disclaimer: in no way is this post meant to degrade any muslims or the religion of Islam....if you sensitive about that then curve.....

Take a look at the image above. That's Loon. The dude that used to rap with Ma$e and Diddy. Now his name is Amir Muhadith. He looks like a terrorist. He has just converted to islam and posted videos on youtube speaking on his conversion. This in and of itself is fine. Nothing wrong with a man(or woman) finding God and peace with religion. But why do people(black people in particular) have to take this shit off the deep end? The pic above is a screenshot from an interview he did on al jazeera. Now peep now on the left he is there in his sunni uniform. Al Jazeera deemed it necessary to do a split screen. On the right they ran clips from his videos. Videos of him grinding on pretty young tenders. Whith his shirt of. Consuming(or at least pretending to) alcohol. Not to mention the guy who interviewed him, most likely a life long middle eastern muslim, looked like he stepped fresh out of a wall street boardroom. Clean shaven, crisp suit, gel in the hair. Despite Loon, oops I mean Amir's best efforts to distance himself from his musical past, the reporter went as far as to request a rap. Bottom line? The reporter didn't buy what Loon was selling, no matter how tight his kufi or how long his beard.

Do you. This is a proclamation most commonly heard in hip hop circles. Most commonly it means for a person to do what comes natural to them. Basically be yourself. I've been noticing a regression in this attitude among my people. Especially in the inner city. Historically black people have been stripped of everything, from our language to our names. Most commonly these things were replaced with the names, languages, and religions of our opressors(gasp!!!! Yup even the muslims). So its kinda sad to see us in this day and age using these things to identify who we are as individuals. As I said, there is nothing wrong with being muslim, christian, jewish or anything else. But that shouldn't replace or sublant what or who you were before that.

Who am I? I'm a man. I could throw hundreds of adjectives before man. Black. Intelligent. Funny. Emotional. Sensitive. Fat. The list is long. But that's the core. Sure I could also wax poetic about my own perception of myself...but I won't. But the type of answers I hate are, I'm a father. Well I've only been that for 6 years. Was I nothing for the other 20? That doesn't identify anything about me. Its a part of what I think a man is(providing he has children). But that's not some proverbial bookend to where I begin or end. Because I DON'T begin or end.

So folk, friend, foe, readers. All I'm saying is you are more than a religion, a place, a job title, a degree etc. Our potential far exceeds that. When you limit youself to a title you limit your possibilities.

I'm out

The Magic Man

What it look like folk? Its Steez back with a heavy heart. We all know what happened yesterday and have all been affected. I wasn't gonna do a Michael Jackson post cause I knew everyone would. But I couldn't resist. Shall we...

I took the last day to reflect on what Michael Jacksons death means. I still don't know. But what I do know is that we lost a national figure of strength and perseverence. We are talking about a man who was basically the bread winner for his entire family at the age of 10. A man who never got to be normal. And while we could never relate to the world he lived in, he made music and did dance moves that changed what we thought was possible. I can do nothing but thank him for that. And the many smiles he gave me. He will be missed

?!?!?!?!?!?

What it look like folk? I came across this at a local store today. I'm sure y'all are already laughing....and there is nothing I can type here that will be more entertaining than the above picture so.....enjoy!!

25/8/366

What it look like folk? Its ya favorite square Steez. I haven't done a real blog in a minute. I mean a joint I really put a lot of thought into. Well this is it my people. I ain't gonna beat around the bush...so let's get it. Shall we?

Well I am typing this blog on my trusty G1 phone live from the front row of an elementary school auditorium. Its my oldest daughters move up day. So here I am firmly planted on the unforgiving wood folding seats. I feel like Shaq or somebody in this little shit. But this is my job. Or should I say my duty. This is what being a father s all about. Doing shit you don't want to do and finding a way to smile while doing it. Now, don't get me wrong I WANTED to be here. Bur not an hour and a half early. See my daughter goes to the school that Butterbear works for. So we all rode in together. Of course Butterbear needed to be here for her regular work hours which is approximately 2 hours before the program. So here I am surrounded by children in a bright yellow t shirt, that signifies what child I belong to trying to not look like I belong on To Catch A predator.

We are on the eve of Fathers Day. A "holiday" that is less celebrated than Halloween. As far as black people are concerned I understand why. Niggas ain't around, so why celebrate? But for those of us that ARE around we are lucky to get a couple strips of turkey bacon and a snapple. Mothers and Fathers day aren't really holidays. They are more days that provide opportunity to show appreciation in anyway you desire to who you deem worthy. So to all you men out there black, white, brown, red....that are doing the damn thing I want y'all to know Steez appreciates that shit.

I grew up without my father around. That is most likely what propels me to play such an active role in my childrens life. That and a conscience. Recently I've been at odds with Butterbear(my wife and the mother of all 4 of my kids for those of you that don't know). In that time I've been to 2 recitals(ballet and piano) a kid(not mine) birthday and now this. And in any instance where I showed hesitance to participate(namely the birthday party and arriving 2 hours early to a move up day) she slams the whammy on me. "That's what fathers do". Which pisses me off. Because as I sit here and watch single mother after single mother file in, apparently this is the antithesis of what fathers do. Its what fathers are SUPPOSED to do. But sadly very few follow through. But there is a growing number of men(especially in the black community) that are on their fuckin job. And because of the no good niggas they are taken for granted.

I know a lot of y'all are saying "but steez the fathers you talk about are doing what they are supposed to do" and I agree. But so are the mothers that were revered a month ago. So why can't the daddys?

All I'm saying is no one part is any more ore less important than the other. But if you are a woman or child lucky enough to have a father around, keep in mind that you have a part that a lot of people don't. Appreciate and respect it.

I'm out

For Real Doe!?!?!?!?!?

I saw this wild shit in the grocery store...the ignorance of this appealed to the nigga buried deep inside me. I almost bought the whole stock of these.....But for now we'll just file it under what the fuck?!

The Death of Black Masculinity

What it look like folk? Its the nets favorite square Steez. I'm on the el right now fresh from my visit with the urologist. Everything is a go. I will be getting my procedure done on the 22nd. It is actually my procedure or the reaction to it that is prompting this post. So since its out there I might as well get to it....shall we?

Yeah folk, I'm hangin the boys up. We've had a good run. 4 beautiful babies. Even a couple of scares. Lol I'm callin it quits in the sperm game though. But the reaction to my decision from both men and women has been funny to say the least. It seems that the consensus is once a man loses the ability to procreate he loses what makes him a man. Nowhere is this notion more embraced than in the black community. As if we don't have enough baby daddies already.

Take a look at the picture above. That's a dude. In fact this dude was on Americas Next Top Model last year or something. I was recently sick so I stayed home from work. This dude was on Tyras show. After listening to him talk about how he "is a woman trapped in a mans body" Tyra opted to help him get his very pricey surgery. This didn't bother me. If a dude wants to dress like a chick..hey who am I to diss him. But what is wrong with being a man? A black man at that? Elton John has been openly gay for decades. Probably sucked and fucked all types of dudes. But he is still a man. He still values his masculinity.

That attitude is sorely missing in the black community among gay and straight men alike. Masculinity is more than just the ability to create a life. And you don't lose it when you lose that ability. I'm not no fuckin after school special so you're gonna have to define what masculinity is to you. But if your definition doesn't go past ejaculation...then you have a problem.

I'm out

Interesting Question from a Reader

What it look like folk? Its Steez back with these chronicles. Since I last touched base with y'all I came down with an illness that kicked my ass. I'm all better now though. But I was out of commission for the better part of this past week. I also got to see my mom this weekend. Her and my aunt came up gor my oldest daughters ballet recital. It was cool to see them after all this time. Now onto the post at hand....shall we?

Late last night I got an email from a reader...she hasn't told me whether or not I can use her name so we will call her A. Well A found the 925 Chronicles via a google search for something about prison or something she is doing for school. Well she saw and read my blog about the criminal mindset. After reading that A decided to ask me what I think political prisoners think of people who are in for "real" crimes.

My answer to that is kinda simple...they don't. In my email to A I referenced George Jackson. A political prisoner who never really denied his association with any criminal wrongdoing. In fact he helped start a gang in prison. Now of course I'm giving an overly simplified view of Mr. Jacksons life and work, but the fact remains that for a number of reasons Jackson sympathized with the majority of incarcerated men at the time.

What I'm saying is, in most instances, a persons view on criminals is based on a lot of different things. But in reality so called political prisoners didn't become that until AFTER incarceration. So they are for all intents and purposes regular prisoners. And anyone that intends to make a difference by going to jail is most likely selfish AND stupid so they don't give a fuck about anyone anyway.

Also you have to consider what being a so called political prisoner would do to ones view of the criminal justice system. If it wasn't already damaged being unjustly penalized for something will most likely destroy any and all faith in that system.

To A, thank you for the intriguing question I hope my answer is adequate. To everyone else keep the questions coming to fsteez44@gmail.com

I'm out

Ups and Downs of Memorial Day Weekend

What it look like good folk? Its ya favorite square Steez back at it. I hope all y'all had a good holiday weekend. Mine was so so as you will read in this post. So I'm gonna get right to it. Shall we?

My weekend started off quite splendid. Saturday I linked up with the fellas and played some out of shape basketball. It was quite as bad as we all anticipated. Some of the shots even went in!!!!
All in all it was a good day. I just hope we can repeat it with some kind of regularity. *gives friends the stink eye*

Well that's it for the ups. Now for the downs. Me and Butterbear are not vibing. Though we squashed the beef over the vomit in my truck, things have been strained since then. Bottom line I'm not feeling her outlook or ideology right now, as it is counterproductive to mine. I won't completely air her out here but her focus is sorely lacking. I was royally pissed off that she wanted me to go to her brothers STEPSONS party. I repeatedly told her I didn't want to go. I don't care for her family. And I don't care for her when she's around them. I told her to take the kids and have a good time. She kept preaching about needing my "help" with them. Meanwhile she was at her mothers saturday night with all 4 kids. And before anyone starts yeah her mom was at the party.

So she drags me to this shit. And I immediately see why she needed my help. It was a fuckin indoor water park. Too bad she told me that as we were leaving. I didn't have any swimming gear...her and the kids did though. So there I sat all alone(as I told her I would me and she ensured me that I wouldn't). We got into a hellacious argument in the car on the way home. She was mad that on friday night I fixed myself something to eat and didn't give her any. I only did that after she decided to lay around and not go get us anything after SHE suggested it. Oh fuckin well.....

Yesterday was the worst though and I won't get too into it here. But the big blowup finally happened. A lot of f bombs were dropped. Some unsavory things were said about my mother(not really sure why) then the dreaded bilznitch got laid on the table. Yeah folk I went THERE. Needless to say neither of us are very happy right now.

So there you have it my weekend in a nutshell.

I'm out

Steez Goes to the Doctor

What it look like folk? Its ya main square Steez with some 925 action fo' y'all. Not much been goin on with me man just maintaining. Dealing with allergy season all this pollen in the air is killing me. But that's about it though. I'm gonna get right to this post shall we?

So yesterday I was off from work due to a doctors appointment. Now I could have easily taken a half day. But I'm a young male who hasn't been to the doctors office in years, so I needed the time to mentally prepare. Since this was my first visit to a new office I arrived a half hour early to fill out all the paperwork. My appointment was @ 2:30 I was sent into the back at about 2:40. The waiting area was packed with just about every demographic you could think of. I was glad I didn't have to sit out there for long. While waiting dor my charts to be prepared the thick slightly hood receptionist engaged me in some light flirting.

When I got back to the exam room it wasn't long before another young black female, this one trying her damndest to mask a jamaican accent, came in and got my vitals. Before leaving she said "please remove all of your clothing. The gown opens to the front". The sexual proposition threw me off. But my elation was soon replaced with fear. I soon realized that my balls were in fact going to be handled by Dr. Fowler.

So there I sat, in some kind of paper towel like robe. With only a larger section of paper separating my naughty bits from whomever decided to walk through the door. It was like a Cinemax porn version of "Let's Make a Deal" and I was the host Monty Balls. I sat there uncomrortably looking through pamphlets about depression and Irratable Bowel Ssyndrome. I realized you should never read those. Because the symptoms laid out are often so vague they basically GIVE you the disease.

After maybe 12 minutes, which seemed like 12 hours, Dr Fowler came in. A tall caramel skinned woman probably around my mothers age. She was very pleasant and even a little funny at times. The checkup was over in about 20 minute...and yes the little guys were inspected. Everything was good for the most part. My blood pressure and weight are a little high,but I knew that already. And thankfully with continued exercise my back will continue to get stronger and hurt less. I also received my referal to the urologist. Yep I'm sorry ladies but the biggest square is hangin 'em up. Lol.

All in all it was a cool experience...I feel better after having gone. I will try to keep it up.

I'm out

Keeping Your Distance from Bullsh!t

What it look like folk? Its me Steez back at y'all once again. On a beautiful morning here in Philly. Even though its early the sunbeams are kissing all over my face. There is a slight chill in the air. I like that though, guess its the Pittsburgh in me. Other than that nothing much is going on with me. Despite nursing my sore shoulder I had a great jiu jitsu class last night. But enough about me let's get to the matter at hand. Shall we?

This blog is in response to a couple of emails I got from a woman that reads the blog. She's somewhat like a lurker and wishes to go unnamed so I will respect that. In fact she is the woman who's brother I mentioned in the blog about the criminal mindset a few weeks ago if y'all remember. Anywho she hit me about some mo' stuff.

First up, she told me that last week her brother(not the one that is in jail) was jumped and had his phone stolen in response to this this womans entire family(her included) went to the peoples house to get the phone back or beat the people up or both. Of course none of the above happened. I was baffled when she told me this. When I asked why she went she said she only went because her mom went. Which baffled me even more. I've been doing some self evaluation lately. I've realized that I don't really have any close friends that I've known for a really long time. Why? Because I tend to not get close to people so that in the event they do some bullshit I can go thaaaatta way. It happens all the time.

Next she told me that yesterday her brother that is locked up, was seen by a judge yesterday and is being sent upstate. This man was just released over a month ago. But not having a clear and present aversion to bullshit to bullshit landed him right back. Also recently one of Butterbears brothers was shot....ON SOMEBULLSHIT. Details are sketchy, but when police have to guard your hospital room, its safe to say you were in and around some bullshit.

Now in all of these cases bullshit was there and presented itself as bullshit. Obviously the last 2 ended worse than the first one. What we have to do is get good at identifying bullshit and getting as far away from it as possible. Whether its relatoonship bullshit, ghetto bullshit, business bullshit or just a bullshitting person. Get the fuck away from it. So many people tend to think that being involved in bullshit is going to somehow be advantageous to them. It won't. Even if the detriment doesn't come until way down the line its going to present itself. A lot of time the reprecussions will be wasted time and energy resulting in missed opportunity. Basically, you'll be sitting there when its over in your jail cell, hospital bed, ghetto living room wondering what else you could have been doing.

As for bullshit people or people that like to be around bullshit. Distance your self from them immediately. For starters they deal in bullshit all the time so they know what they are doing. You don't. Which means YOU'RE the one that is gonna end up fucked up behind their bullshit. A kid just got killed in Philly walking down the street with someone that was on some bullshit. The bullshitter is alive and well and not snitchin of course. Secondly, if you deal with bullshit individuals they will inevitably start bullshitting you. Which you will either reject and have to deal with a bullshit situation to get rid of them(see my first blog) or you will accept it and start bullshitting yourself, which will eventually lead to you becoming a bullshitter yourself.

In the end, as an adult bullshit should not be fun, cute, cool etc. That shit is annoying to people that have any sense at all. Stay away from bullshit at all costs. It'll ruin your life. I bullshit you not.

I'm out

Pleasure & Pain

What it look like good folk? Its ya resident square Count Steezula, or just Steez if you're into the brevity thing. It was a beautiful weekend here in the city of brotherly thugs. After 11 straight days of rain the tepurature went up and the sun came out. I hope yall mothers out there had a good day for mothers day. I'm sure in most cases it was well deserved. But I'm gonna get right into this blog shall we?

The title of this post is Pleasure & Pain as you can see. Those two words most adequately sum up my weekend. Chronologically the pain comes first so that's what I'm about to touch on. So Saturday was Butterbears turn to take our daughter to dance class. She took all of the kids, so I decided to go to jiu jitsu class. This was my first time at a weekend class so I was pumped. It was packed as shit in there as I expected. There were people in there that I've never even seen before. So I paired off with a guy named Todd(my brothers name...which is ironic) a middle aged white guy, who kinda resembles Bob Ross in look and attitude. I've observed this guy before and he looked like a good partner if your looking for a challenge. He is a bluebelt with good size to him and a somewhat awkward yet effective technique. Well, on this particular day we were learning some chokes from the knee to stomach position. Knee to stomach is exactly what it sounds like, one person on their back the other to their side with their knee planted in the other persons stomach. One of the chokes we did was to slide your hands into each side of the persons collar and grab the material(the person on top does this) then drop your shoulder to their chest and walk your legs around until in a 69 like position. This creates a vice around their neck with your arms and the material of their shirt. Well I was on the bottom. And the proper position to take is with one hand up protecting your head from knees and other strikes. Well when Todd began the choke my arm that was protecting my head got trapped between his hip and bicep. Don't ask me how. The fucked up part is that was to be the hand I was gonna tap out with to make him release the hold. I couldn't free it until my elbow was almost pointed straight above my head. I tapped and he let go, completely unaware of what just happened. I sat up with an insane amount of pain in my right shoulder. As I moved it around to see if it was dislocated, broken or anything else. It wasn't so I continued to train MACHO MAAAAAN!!!(c) Richard Pryor. So hear I am monday morning on my way to work, with what is most likely a separated shoulder. The things we do....

Now onto the pleasure. For mothers day I took Butterbear to a restaurant called Fogo De Chao. Its a Brazilian Steakhouse here in downtown Philly. They specialize in the guapo style of service which is basically all you can eat. Its not a buffet though. How it works is you get seated(thankfully I made reservations) and your "server" let's you know what your side dishes are and that you will keep getting them as long as you can take it. And that the salad bar is there for you too. She instructed us not to fill up on the salad bar though. So we went over to the salad bar and had at it. I got a nice bed of lettuce with cucumbers tomatoes croutons and a nice oil based dressing. I guess it was some kind of vinegrette. I also took some bread and this fruit type salad. It was made of apples, raisins and some kind of dressing, very tasty. When we got back to the table our sides were waiting for us, a plate of mashed potatoes dressed with chives, paprika, and cheese, a plate of fried plantains, and this plate of a fried bread od some sort, and a basket of rolls. Also as the server told us our cards were on the table. Two circular cards that resembled coasters. One side red, one side green. We both ate a little then turned our cards from red side up, to green. Within minutes the men walking around with different cuts of meat on the skewers were stopping at our table offering us some, everything from sirloin, prime rib, lamb leg, lamb chops, pork roast, sausage, filet mignon wrapped in bacon, chicken wrapped in bacon...the works. You can have as much as you want, whatever you want as long as your card is green. Then you can turn to red so you can eat without being bothered. Then back to green if you desire. Its a very cool experience. Butterbear really enjoyed it. I would recommend this spot to y'all. They are located all over the country, Google Fogo De Chao to see if one is in your area. Now I warn you its a pretty pricey spot, its like 40 bucks per person but id say its well worth it if you're a carnivore.

Aiiight y'all that's it for me. Don't forget to shoot me your questions and topics.

I'm out

Randomocities the Sequel

What it look like folk? Its Steez back at ya once again with these Chronicles. I was happy at the response I got to my first question and answer post, and hope y'all keep hitting me up with topics and questions. Oh and I don't mind if y'all ask me personal questions....within reason. Underdig? Also I got some emails asking how things are with me and Butterbear. Things are good. We had a good discussion Monday night actually. Both got some things off our chest...both conceded that I am and always will be right....lol. nah but on the rilla real, its good and we are back on the same page. Shout to Serenity for jumping in my ass with her response to that blog...lol. I just had some random shit for y'all today....uhhh so onto the post shall we?

1. I love riding the subway, you can rip some hellacious farts down there and nobody will know.

2. What's up with the feeling of solidarity that you have with total strangers when you see the have the same mobile device or pda....but you wan to kill them if they have the same kicks.

3. Swine flu has made it so that coughing or sneezing in public makes you feel like the ultimate black sheep.

4. How tight are pants gonna get before enough is enough.

5. People kill me, they will drink disgusting "detox" solutions...when eating yummy fruits and veggies with water clean you out just as good, if not better?

6. What's with the infomercial with the dude advising you on bowel movements?

7. Just ripped another one.....they STILL don't know

8. I wonder if Ricky Hatton woke up yet

9I don't know why...but white muslims are really funny to me.
10. It really sucks that my TV fucks up when a helicopter goes over my house now that I have a digital converter

11. I think the lady next to me may be on to my little gas operation...must relocate

11. Happy mothers day to all the moms that read this

I'm out

Half Assed Effort

What it look like good folk? Its ya friendly neighborhood sqare Steez reporting for duty. I'm out here in the rain debating whether I should walk to the El or catch the bus. But enough about me, its about the blog....shall we?

Its a cold rainy morning, and my mood is similar to the weather. Butterbear and I haven't really spoken since thursday. Mostly because of what I deem to be her half assed efforts. This all started when I was at jiu jitsu class on Thursday. When I get my phone after class I see that she had left me a voicemail. See, when I go to class I take her car and leave my truck, just in case she needs to load up the kids and go somewhere. On this particular evening she needed to go to the bank. She also had plans to pick up some dinner from pizza hut. Her phonecall was to inform me that while in the car my oldest vomitted. So I called her after listening to the message, she assured me that the mess was cleaned up, and our daughter was alright. I asked her to spray my strawberry car freshner so the stench wouldn't linger. Her response "you can do that when you get home". At this point she told me that she hadn't gotten dinner so she would meet me outside when I arrived so she could do that. When I got there she came out to the car, I made a b line to my vehicle to spray it down. After spraying the 1st and second row, I went to the rear of the truck and opened the hatch so I could spray the 3rd row. It was at this point I was greeted by a football sized pile of vomit that resembled hamburger helper, and its splashes on the back of my gray leather seats. My bloodpressure surely rose to stroke levels. Realizing that after a grueling class I would have to perform some type of yoga activity to even get back there to clean it.

To be clear Butterbear did offer to clean it. But I didn't want anymore half assed efforts from her. I did it myself. Now, it is her contention that she didn't see the spit up. I believe her. THAT'S why the effort was half assed. Why wouldn't you look back there? Considering that's where her seat is. Granted she threw up more in the middle of the car, but still. When cleaning anything you should be looking everywhere, especially when cleaning up something like vomit it could be any and everywhere.

So after discussing this, she gets mad. As if I shouldn't have said anything. This pissed me off further. She was going downstairs so I asked her to bring my phone charger out of my bag. I must let it be known that I did not specify which bag, being that my bag I carry to work and my jiu jitsu bag were both downstairs at the time. But honestly which one would YOU think that its in? If you said the work bag you get a gold star, if you said jiu jitsu? You have detention. So upon searching my jiu jitsu bag she resolves that its not in there and tells me such. Why not check BOTH bags before giving up? Half assed effort. Its bullshit. And I deserve better.

This is something I have noticed is prevalent in married women, especially young married women. They do everything under the sun to GET the guy, then somewhere along the way everything food, effort, poo see etc gets rationed out. What's up with that? That's for everybody, you should get out of a situation what you put in. If you give 100% you should receive 100%. Anything less is some half assed bullshit. Maybe its our faults for having so much faith and marrying y'all so quickly. But I tend to believe that muhfukas get complacent. Which is not the way to achieve anything. Be happy with what you have but you should never be satisfied. Satisfaction breeds comfort, comfort breeds laziness. Who wants a lazy muhfucka?

I'm out

Letting It Go

What it look like folk? Its ya boy Steez right back at y'all. Its been a dreary ass weekend. Rainy and cold...well not really cold but definitely not as warm as its been. Butterbear and I checked out the Wolverine movie on Friday. That shit was cool. The action was definitely on point. But they really bastardized the story. I'm not gonna ruin anything but they really changed a lot of shit from the comics. Yesterday I hooked up with the homies to watch Pacqiao beat the brakes off of Ricky Hatton. It was good to get out the crib though. Well people I got my first blog question in my email. So ima get to it....shall we.

My first question comes from a female reader. BossLady82. She is currently going though some bullshit with her man so she wanted me to address moving on after having been with someone for a while.

Funny shit right before I read her email, I was doing some facebook stalking. I saw some chick from my pasts page. Apparently she was engaged at some point and somewhere along the way that shit fell apart. She referenced having to "start all over again". That shit is hilarious considering she is only 25. That's some shit I see a lot though. First we put too much importance on who we are with. Some muhfuckas hang their whole identity on who they are with. That in itself makes it hard to "move on". You always have to maintain a sense of identity. A sense of self. Basically what I'm saying is, a big part of moving on is not attaching yourself to begin with. May sound cold but its a reality.

Something else, if the muhfucka that you're with fucked up, you didn't lose anything. Think of it as gaining freedom. Fuck 'em and feed 'em fish.

Well Bosslady82 I hope that was adequate. I'm not much of an advice guy so I tried to generalize it. And for the rest of y'all don't forget to hit me up with questions or blog topics fsteez44@gmail.com also shout out to Mel and his family for giving me a spot to watch the fight...big up to his mom for making the bangin food...big up to Monsta for drivin my drunk ass home.

I'm out.

Did President Obama Kill The Boogeyman?

What it look like folk? Its ya host Steez back with some more fo' ya. I STILL don't have the swine flu so go figure. Yo, don't forget that y'all can hit me up at fsteez44@gmail.com with questions for me or topics that y'all would like me to blog about in the chronicles. But on to the regularly scheduled blog. Shall we....

As you can tell by the title this post is gonna be a bit more political than the rest. I was hesitant to touch on this but a co worker who reads my blog suggested I go in...so in I am going. Yesterday marked President Obamas 100th day in office. So naturally people are evaluating his job so far. the evaluation process has been a little more rigorous than I've seen for anyother president in my life, for obvious reasons. So my co worker wanted to know how I think our leader has done. My answer? FUCKIN AWESOME!!!!!! He killed the boogeyman, what else can you ask for?

When I was thinking back on the lat 100 days, which have been tumultuous at best, I can't help but notice the progress made. Nah, not the bullshit you read in the paper. Not the drivel you see on the news. I'm talking about the expressions on everyones face. I don't see fear anymore. I'm not saying that the country is in any better shape now than it was the night Obama was elected. What I am saying is that people BELIEVE that it is. With reports of record stock losses becoming a bad memory, the war in Iraq taking a more positive turn, and a more transparent government body than we've seen in quite some time. People are starting to breathe easy. Until the swine flu made everybody wear a mask.

I'm gonna come right out and say that I don't believe this swine flu thing is what they say it is. Yeah I think that it exists, and yeah I think some people have gotten sick and maybe even died(though not in th U.S.). Basically I think the government was tooling around with a biological weapon to use(maybe on N Korea, Russia, or China) and things went awry. What I DON'T believe is this pandemic bullshit. With the symptoms being so mundane anyone on anyday could be feeling "swiney".

Point blank the government, mostly the right wing, NEED fear for any crazy agenda they want to push. Fear is their drug of choice and it produces a monetary high. But our president seems to have taken that fear out of the majority of the American culture, at least for the time being. Peep how things have been in the past few months. The government has been urging U.S. citizens to stay out of Mexico for a couple of months now, citing everything from the drug cartels kidnapping tourists, to their palsy relationship with Russia. Did we stay away? Fuck no. Or take the Somalian Pirate situation a few weeks ago. When they were asking different american crew captains why they sail through those notoriously dangerous waters, the answer was simple. They never attack americans.

While still shakey its apparent that our feelings of positivity, fearlessness, and invincibility are approaching pre 9/11 highs. How else can the powers that be do away with that? Make people believe that some shit that resembles the flu and/or the common cold(and is just as easy to catch) can kill you. Did anyone else peep last night that Fox was the only channel that didn't cover President Obamas speech live? Not only did my local Fox not cover his mostly positive and hopeful speech, they didn't even mention it. They were talking about...you guessed it the swine flu. Sly Fox indeed.....

I'm out.

Examining the Criminal Mindset

What it look like folk? Its ya favorite square blogger....the one and only Steez. Man spring officially kissed Philly this weekend. It was in the 90s, kids were out playing, niggas was on the grill, music was bumpin. Good times. Also I wanted y'all to know I'm opening up my email to y'all. So please feel free to email me your questions or things you would like me to discuss on this here blog. I don't really plan to give ADVICE but if you want a squares point of view on some shit I will hook you up. The email is fsteez44@gmail.com so hit me up. Uhhh okay I guess we gonna get into it. Shall we?

This post came to my mind just a couple hours ago. A friend of mine informed me that her brother was charged with burglary. The sad thing is that her brother JUST got out of prison less than a month ago.
I've never been a person that really understood, much less empathized, with the criminal mindset. I never hated on it either. It was what it was. But instances like the one I just spoke on are becoming more and more common. So I started wondering why. When I say why what I mean is looking into the mind of someone that is more or less a career criminal. I'm not gonna discuss WHY people do crimes. We know the social and economic reasons already.

One thing I've noticed, especially in the black community, going to jail is damn near revered. As recently as when I was a child being a nigga that went to jail made you a pariah. Now? Ya girl takes care of you and half the hood is waiting to throw you a party when you come back. I'm not saying that ex cons should be outcasts...but when you remove that negative stigma AND replace it with rewards its only natural for a person to find the act easier to cope with. Also when you look at some of the people that are involved in the never ending whirlwind of prison, they are people that aren't rewarded for much else EXCEPT surviving multiple jail terms.

Something else I noticed is the overly sympathetic view towards criminals. I'm aware that as black people we have a severe distrust of law enforcement and the judicial system, and rightfully so. But every nigga in jail isn't Huey Newton. Actually MOST of the dudes there deserve to be there. We have to get it out of our minds that "they" are always out to get "us". That's an archaic belief that we have to let go of. Yeah the law isn't on our side most of the time, but that doesn't mean make us all political prisoners. Because honestly that is enabling and in some cases motivating people to be criminals.

After examining these very rudimentary elements of criminal mindsets, I asked myself how does it stop. Quite frankly it doesn't. Crime will always be there. There will always be people that see that as their only option. We have to stop cosigning ignorance though. I know people make mistakes and should be forgiven. But to keep banging your head on the same wall? I can't ride with that. A lot of black men were never taught responsibility. What is more irresponsible than crime? So they inevitably put themselves in a position where they don't have to be responsible for anything. Its cyclical behavior. Plain and simple. We have to stop providing emotional, physical, and economic crutches for people that purposely cripple themselves.

I'm out

The Return to Innocence...In a Sense

What it look like folk? Starting square number L7 its STEEEEEEEEEZ!!!!!!! Thank you thank you, you're too kind. I'm back at y'all with some more of the chronicles. So I'm gonna get back to it since I don't have much to say outside of the topic at hand. Shall we?

So I was doing some facebook stalking recently. Instead of looking for high school people I haven't seen in a while I took it back to middle school. When I did this, a lot of names came to mind. Some I found. Some I didn't. But one stuck out....Kaylin...I'm not gonna drop her whole government on y'all. But this was a girl I spent most. Of my middle school years "chasing" after. I wasn't quite the suave square that is writing this right now. Most of my preteen advances were mostly weird jokes and wild antics. But I'm not really here to talk about that.

I was really thinking about the simplicity of those times. Especially in the dynamics of male female relationships. You tell a girl you like her, she says she likes you back. You hold hands until your palms sweat and make farting noise. Yo go home, hump your pillow and go to sleep. Or, you tell a girl you like her. She recoils in disgust, clowns you. You go home sulk, hump your pillow then go to sleep. Very uncomplicated stuff...and for better or worse you could hump a pillow. Now there is so much more in play. So much more at stake.

Seeing Kaylins picture took me back to the time when sex wasn't even a real possibility. Though I thought about it constantly. it was hard enough to TALK to a girl...involuntary erections played spoilsport to any fly thing you could think of. When I dedicated songs(all I do by troop) in my head. On some real Kevin Arnold shit ya know.

I'm not trying to really walk down memory lane, that's not my thing. But I couldn't help but think back to those simpler relationships...and how complicated we tried to make them. We as adults always wish we could "know then what we know now" ...but in a lot of cases what we didn't know is what made it beautiful...in a sense.

I'm out

Bathroom Rules for Men

Yeah I know folk I'm right back. But after several odd encounters with grown ass men in the restrooms at my job I thought that this was a must. Its gonna be short and sweet. Shall we?

1. If there are more than 2 available urinals and we enter the bathroom at the same time. DO NOT go to the one right next to me.

2. Eyes forward

3. Shut the fuck up. We can discuss the weather, sports, or anything else once the boys are back in the house.

4. If you finish before me and the sinks are in line with the toilets, unless its defective use the sink farthest away. Why make me pass by your bent over ass?

5. Cut out the fake hand washing. If your going to exert the energy to turn on the water, run your hands under it. I'm taking mental note, and if you aren't really washing don't ever try to shake my hand.

6. Stop OVER washing. You took a piss, you're not delivering a baby. If touching your tool for 8.5 seconds made you feel the need to bathe as though you just came in contact with radioactive waste? What I think doesn't matter. Consult a physician.

I'm Such a Geek

What it look like folk? Its the big square Steez droppin some more of these here chronicles. Not much been goin on since we last met up. My Easter weekend was pretty much wrecked by some kind of chest cold/ pneumonia/repiratory infection like demon that took me out of commision Friday afternoon. I wasted 12 bucks on some Mucinex. No lie that didn't do a damn thing for me. Then I whipped up the disgusting concoction of apple cider vinegar, honey, and warm water, like Gram used to give us. A vile swill indeed. But within the hour I felt the cold in my chest breaking up. So fuck you Mucinex!!!!! Thanks to our old broke relatives that came up with some of these remedies. Well I guess I should move on to the task at hand...shall we?

While everyone was out copping the new Jada album, I went a more geek-y route and conserved my limited resources for a greater treat(for me anyway) That's right the supervillain has returned. I just grabbed up DOOM(formerly MF DOOM) new album Born Like This. This is an album I've been waiting for for over 3 years. And boy was it worth the wait. This ain't an album review, so I won't bore y'all with the details. But if you lookin for some good underground hip hop, are a fan of his, or just want to try something new? Check ot my man DOOM. Note: Steez just realized that his new CD is still at home, therefore he cannot listen to it at work. A tear forms. Until he realizes that he copied it to his trusty G1 phone. CHUUUUCH!!!!

I just read something real cool. As most of you know I'm a gamer. I spend a significant amount of money on my hobby. Anywho I just saw a new "console" is looking to compete with Sony, Microsoft, and Nintendo.
The company is Rearden Labs. Their creation is OnLive(pictured above). Its basically a portable harddrive that you can go online and download games on, then connect to your TV and rock out. Of course the games are either purchased or rented. Online play will most likely be handled on regional servers to keep lag down. Meaning you will be able to play online but only against people in your local area. The controller that is offered gives players the ability to pause, rewind, and record their games(madden beatdowns just got a little more humiliating).

All in all I think this is a great idea. Though a price has not been set for the harddrive or the games, they will most likely be much cheaper than the alternatives on the market now(maybe comparable to the wii). Throw in the option to rent and its definitely a deal. While it most likely won't be as "cool" to have this as it is the other 3 systems, this could take the burden off the shoulders(and wallets) of parents. Also casual gamers who really my only buy a couple of games a year don't have to drop $600 to do so.

The one pitfall that I read in the Game Informer is that while 9 big name game publishers such as EA(responsible for Madden), THQ,and Ubisoft to name a few, have signed on the games being offered are ones that have already been release. Basically, when a new game releases it won't release that day on OnLive. Kind of a bummer. But honestly, most working adults don't buy games on the release date. But the question is how long do you have to wait? Also the aformentioned lag time and how itmay effect how you play and who you can play.

All in all, I don't think that this will catch on. But I do believe that this innovation will maybe spark the "next big thing" in home entertainment. Video games are still a growing medium. Some video game production costs rival major motion pictures, games and consoles are quickly becoming too expensive for both the player and the studios. Trimming of the fat isn't a bad thing. I'm looking forward to the release of OnLive and the gaming communities response. The future is here folks.

I'm out

Check out the OnLive at www.onlive.com

Tryna Make It In A Stupid World pt 3

Right back...What it look like folk. I saw this on my work and had to share it with y'all. This joint is located in downtown Philly at the fruit stand in the Gallery. I was gonna cut the dude some slack on account of him being a foreigner. But then I thought about the watered down smoothies(way too much ice) and how he watches me when I'm looking over the fruit and said fuck it....

Maybe it Wasn't Meant to Be

I failed. I'm sorry y'all. Just know that I tried. I'm tired now, gonna go home and play with my babies. Nah, I'm not having a Carlitos Way moment. I'm reflecting.

I was supposed to start the revolution. I spent years reading, remembering, and regurgitating DuBois, Newton, Garvey, Marley, Wu Tang, Gaye, Cooke, Christ, Gibran etc. All in hopes that I could leave my fingerprints in the same way that they did. That I could be someone that future generations would quote, equipping themselves for the everyday psychological war that IS being black in America. My words, both written and spoken, would be emblazened on the collective consciousness of the community at large. I would be the real life Dan Freeman.

But here I am. G1 in hand thinking of what should have....could have happened. Folk, I wanna tell ya, what coulda happen DID happen. But it all depends on where you where when it went down. I never got my Tommy Smith/John Carlos moment. So my black fist on the olympic podium became a t shirt and some so called jewels dropped on a street corner in the slums. Maybe the moment came and I was too high or drunk to step up. Maybe someone cut in line.

I'm here to say fuck a maybe. Fuck what you missed, its time to CREATE the moment. The time and space for a true revolution. I'm not just talking about some racial bullshit. I'm saying period. Recently I've been really contemplating some moves I wanna make(those close to me know what I'm speakin on) and its fuckin time. I've realized that I'm never gonna have enough time, space, energy, know how, experience to do a muthafuckin thing but talk. And franlky, I'm tired of talkin....

I'm out

Home Alone Musings

What it look like folk? I'm here all alone. Well not really. Butterbear went to Pittsburgh for an anime convention. So she took our girls with her. The girls are staying with my mom. So I'm here with the boys and we are having guy fun. I was gonna take them to the park but it was windy as hell today which made it feel a little colder than it really was. So we been in the house playing cars and watching different movies. Right now we are watching the Final Four. I got a cold tall can of bud ice, college hoops on the tube, and my boys. Life is good. I'm gonna take this post to share some things I've noticed since my time here alone. Shall we?

Conditioning is a muhfucka. I function as if Butterbear is here. Though I woke up sprawled oun in the bed, I could fall asleep until I was scrunched up on my little corner of the bed.

Home alone nudity = good times

I realize how much I talk when there is nobody to talk to.

It was cool to wake up and have my oldest son in bed with me...I guess he misses mommy and his sisters as much as me...an interesting exhibit of non verbal male bonding

I forgot how fun it was to just crash matchbox cars

Latenight stroking is a lot easier when you know nobody is gonna catch you

There is nothing more liberating than taking a dump with the door wide open...seriously folks, you gotta try it.

The house is spookily quiet when I get out of the shower

Man I hate silence....

My sons reaction to Bravestarr(80s saturday morning cartoon) was great

Blake Edwards seems like a sucka

Being drunk isn't as much fun when Butterbear isn't here for me to annoy

Bud Ice is actually a disgusting swill

I love my family.

Git 'Er Done

What it look likew folk? I'm back. And I'm happy to tellz y'all that the Baron is back. Parked right out front where he belongs. It was a helluva journey. And an expensive one.

Well it took about 5 minutes and 50 bucks to get my registration straight. Then it was time to deal with the bastards that towed my car. I got my gameface on. After a quick stop at the ATM(of course they only took cash). I strolled up to the window and spit a lil G. Dude knocked off a couple of the fees. I paid 279. With the extra dough ima get my mom a little something.

Well people its been a long ass day. And my back is tight from all the walking. My quads are sore from last nights jiu jitsu class...and I'm tired as hell. Ima lay my ass down and reflect on the fuck up that caused all this shit. I'm just glad everything worked out.

Victim of the Joke

What it look like folk? Its Steez once again. I'm not in the best of moods right now. You can find me somewhere between Pissedville and Downertown. So let's get into it. Shall we?

I am currently on the K bus on my way to who the fuck knows. Why? My car got towed yesterday. It was my fault. A situation with my registration that I took too long to try to clear up. But the city, strapped for cash, considered it prudent to come tow my shit from in front of my crib while I was at work yesterday. They also considered it wise to leave NO information as to where I could locate my vehicle. I actually had to call 911 to report it stolen to start getting answers. Then I spent all of this morning while at work harrassing different police dept facilities until I tracked down my ride. Now I find out that The Baron is being held hostage and the ransom is 3 hunnid and counting...PLUS what I gotta pay to straighten out my registration mess. I know, I fucked up. But hopefully I have this fixed within a day or two. Hustling up the money is the problem. My mom and brother came through with a good amount of paper(I don't know what I would do without them). So now I gotta dig up the rest.

I'm here at the spot clearing up the registration. It all went smooth. It smells really good in this place. I'm just thinking about some G I can spit at the tow spot to get my car back for less than 300 bucks. Wish me luck.

End of My Love Affair

What it look like folk? It seems like its been a while since I posted. But in reality it hasn't even been a week. It beez that way I guess. This won't be a long one so I'm gonna get right to it. Shall we?

*cues The Masquerade is Over by David Porter*

Yeah folks. I gotta end this little love affair I've been having. Not because I should, not because I can't go on. But because it is proving to not be worth my time. I ain't gonna lie, I used to fiend for that thang. We would meet up once a week. Make it do what it do, I would be satified and spend the next 6 days fantasizing about the next visit. My nose was wide the fuck open.

I know what your thinking. What about Butterbear. Well she's cool with it. In fact she put me on to this one. We used to link up with the love affair together. It gave us something to talk about. It was exciting. But after our rendezvous last night I can tell she's not feeling it anymore either. We've been going through the motions for a couple of months now. The love affair probably hasn't even noticed. But I'm done.

Heroes, this is my goodbye. You haven't been treating me the same as when we first met. Lately you've been so self indulgent, complicated, and downright confusing. I don't know what you want from me anymore. I've looked past your idiosyncrasies for long enough. I waited for you during the writers strike. I excused your infidelity during the second season. Shit I even blamed myself. But what your doing now is too much. Sylar as a psuedo hero, partime villain? That's the best you have to give me!?!?! After all the bullshit you put me through. The wack as "fight" between Peter and Sylar to end Season 1? The way you've killed nikki/jessica 3 times just to bring her back as a new character? Hiro in fuedal Japan!!!! Yeah okay. I see how much I mean to you. that's why I've been faking it. Yup ever since Claire was kidnapped by the puppet master. Even when mohinder was basically turning into Seth Brundel from The Fly. So fuck you.

I will still check you out. But you no longer occupy my time the way you once did. Consider yourself demoted to jump off status. I bang with House on mondays primarily now. Deal with it. Step your game up and maybe we can discuss a promotion. Until then? Fall the fuck back.

I'm out

The High Price of Poo See

What it look like folk. Its ya man Steez here with an important message in these economic times. This is urgent for men and women a like. Consider this insider trading from the 925 Chronicles. Shall we?

A conversation I had with a female co worker of mine brought an overlooked item in this topsy turvy economy. We've all learned to manage how to get the most gas for our money. How to supply the appropriate amount of food for our family. And most of us have even found some wiggle room for our vices. But something they AREN'T saying is the sky rocketing, pocket busting price of poo see. We have a crisis that needs to be addressed.

I thought back after my conversation about approximately what my poo see bill is at this point. I consider with the college education I lost while in pursuit of this liability, the time I could have spent with my mind on getting some money, I have a poo see tab in the tens of thousands of dollars. Maybe approaching a hunnid large. Be clear, the TIME I spent is immeasurable in value...I can't even calculate the value of the hours I spent chasing and humping on chicks. It saddens me people. But I see that the price of poo see is on the rise at a speed faster than crude oil or gold. With stupid niggas(male and female) with nothing to talk about, no real tangible goods, and no real aspirations poo see is at an all time high. But this ain't the stock market. There is no chance of winning. Whatever time or energy you "invest" in this resource is gone. There is no return. There is no interest. So men think about it long and hard before you deposit anything into this firm. There are niggas SPENDING the rest of their lives in prison behind poo see. Be it that they tried to steal it or kill someone for it. Either way you LOSE. There are far more fruitful endevours with a higher payout. Poo see will be there...it shouldn't be your incentive though. Think of it as a benefit. Ya dig?

Now for women, the exact opposite is true. Your poo see is declining in value. The market is currently flooded with cheap poo see. So you have to come with something else. Similar to wendys selling chili and baked potatoes. You can get a burger anywhere. So even though dudes out here are willing to pay any price for it, it puts the owners under pressure to think of new and creative ways to manufacture, promote, package, and distribute the product. And you can't forget to look at it as such. Its not the key to the universe, its not the secret to keeping a man, its not the magical answer to all of lifes question. Its a product, something that people will pay for one way or another, be it with time, energy or actual currency. This does not make you a prostitute or a whore. Think of yourself as an entrepreneur. Manipulate the value of your product with the right advertisement and you'll be sure to profit.

Now onto the seriousness of the matter as it pertains to us as a people. Now this is more for my brothers and sisters, but all are welcome to keep reading. The effect of this fluctuating price of poo see is having on our collective psyche. Niggas going morally bankrupt trying to maintain their poo see lifestyle. I'm talking about women and men neglecting home responsibilities such as kids, mates, the home, to chase or distribute poo see. Everything you have will go into forclosure for REAL. It is not worth it, if you can't afford it, put it off until you can. Niggas is out here like modern day bucks. Don't have shit but a swingin dick. Done lost they're kids, good women, and most importantly respect. Chasin some shit that don't stop runnin. Cut it the fuck out. Let's grow up, invest our resources wisely and live like kings and queens. Aiiiight?!?!?!?!

I'm out

Shout to Tis, Rick, and Mel for helping me give birth to this concept.

Hurtlock 101

What it look like folk? Ya host Steez back @ cha with the Chronicles. Not much has been crackin with me since the last post. Some stupid muhfucka just set a dumpster on fire in back of my house. That has me a little pissed off. Some people are really assholes. But on to the blog at hand...shall we.

My ass is freshly kicked people. I just came from my first Brazilian Jiu Jitsu class and HOT DAMN!!!! That shit is no joke. I'm in pain pretty much from head to toe. Let me start off by saying that the gi we wear is heavy as a peacoat. So I started sweatin immediately. We went through warm ups so by the time we paired off I looked like Patrick Ewing in overtime. I paired off with a hispanic dude, his name was Henry if I remember correctly. He is on his way to a black belt. Very cool dude. I peeped him in the last class that I watched, very helpful to the more inexperienced students.

Todays lesson was escaping a headlock. First we practiced it as if you're standing and someone tried to grab you. This part was pretty easy to get down. A lot of work, and aside frome a grown ass man trying to put my head in a vice tight headlock not all that painful. Now when it was time for me to headlock him things got interesting. The end of the defense was a standing armbar that is meant to simultaneously dislocate the shoulder and hyperextend the elbow. Now, we aren't doing these moves to hurt the person. And the person receiving the move is instructed to tap out as soon as you feel pressure. So it didn't hurt THEN but my shoulder feels wild right now.

Next it was time for some groundwork. This is when things got put on proverbial steroids. Now I'm sure that every form of fighting is extremely intense. But you can pull a punch, kick, elbow, knee etc. But certain things are what they are. Now I'm 6'0" maybe 230 lbs. The guy I was paired with was more or less the same size. You can't "pull" that mass laying on top of you and squeezing your neck with a good deal of strength. Also the fear that grabs your body when you feel that grip tighten, and the air becoming scarce. I must say that if you're in that situation in real life, and you DON'T know martial arts, every instinct you have is pretty much wrong and only serve to make things worse/harder for you. So at this point not only am I fighting the mass of humanity on top of me, I'm fighting my own urges. I finally grasped the various ground techniques that we were showed.

Being that it was my first class I wasn't allowed to participate in open mat, which is basically timed, real speed practice of the lessons learned that day. I watched some of the more advanced students go at it, and I'm excited to know that I will be there one day.

So here I am, sore from my neck to my knees, with my shoulders, chest and quads screaming for good hot soak. And I can't wait to go back. My next class is Thursday. I had plans to go on Saturday too, but I have something else to do. Well folk, that's it for now. I'ma get at y'all later.

I'm out

My Night @ Gracie Philadelphia

What it look like folk? I wanted to put this up last night after leaving the jiu jitsu spot but between eating, talking to Butterbear, and losing my battle with exhaustion, here I am Friday morning. Its the first day of spring, though right now its 6:18am and spring won't officially start for about another 90 minutes. Its brisk as shit here in Philly, with a damn wet snow falling out of the sky. Lol Mother Nature is a mad scientist. But life goes on. And so do the Chronicles....shall we?

So I went to the Brazillian Jiu Jitsu spot to watch a class last night. Even though I wasn't participating I was a little nervous. Mostly because of the uncertainty of the situation. What if I went in there and there was some straight UFC ready mofos in there? I knew I was going to watch a beginners class, but still. Class started @ 7pm, I arrived @ 6:45(I live by the motto, "if you're on time, you're late"). I walked in and saw the pic you see above. Basically the entire school is the training mat with a makeshift walkway around half of it. The walkway leads to the back. I didn't go back there but I assume that the changing room, bathroom, and instructors office is back there. There was no real place for obvservers to watch(hint hint) just window sills on either side of the door. I sat next to a man on one. Almost immediatly a young man approached and asked if I was there to watch a class. I said yes and shook his hand. He told me that he would go get the instructor then disappeared into the back.

I sat and watched a group of middle aged white men stretching on the blue mat. The man next to me informed me that his son had missed his earlier class so was going to train with the adults tonight. His son was currently the only person on the mat younger than 30. As time went on more middle aged white men filed in and exchanged greetings. Then the closer it got to 7 the younger the people got that were coming in. This put me at a bit of ease for some reason. Then a young black guy walked in with a young hispanic guy, and I was at home. LOL. At about five after 7, an assistant instructor casually strolled out and ran through some light stretches with the students. Nothing formal at all as he joked around with another assistant while running through the workouts. The workouts weren't the typical sit up push up affair. It was a bunch of bizarre looking stretches and spastic movements. At this time the instructor strolled over to me. His name was Joe. A short middle aged white man. Very unassuming. He introduced himself and asked if I had ever taken jiu jitsu. I told him no. He replied "that's good". He told me he would be over to me periodically during the class to answer any questions I may have.

At this point he walked to the middle of the mat and began showing a technique he wanted the class to practice. So they paired off into couples and went at it. The class atmosphere was very relaxed and informal. With joe floating around watching everything and his assistants doing the same. The assistants being extremely hands on and jumping in and actually getting in and SHOWING the people what needs to be done. Every 15 minutes or so, joe would demonstrate a new technique then send the class to practice it. When he came back I had questions.

I asked about class and rank progression. He told me that like the Gracies that taught him HE decides when one is ready to advance. No tests, no tournaments. He told me that he focuses more on the self defense aspect than the competition. He said he teaches the art to where you can use it against any person in any situation, as the Gracies intended. Going on to say, that there are things illegal in UFC that a thug on the street doesn't care about. Made sense to me. It was at this point that I realized I would be signing up for this class. Something I noticed as I watched the men practicing techniques is that, oddly enough this martial art is more closely related to boxing. Which is wild because there are no strikes. But just the mindset. The second you relax, you can get seriously hurt. That can be said for all forms of fighting I suppose but having seen boxing matches, and various martial arts tournaments. THIS most closely resembles the level of alertness a boxer shows. The funny thing is, a lot of the moves are performed while not looking at your opponent. I noticed joe informing students to turn their heads away, and feel where the guys hands are. One of the guys in front of me even closed his eyes. Now this is extremely close quarters, in fact the guys where in most cases on top of one another. So this isn't some Bruce Lee vibe....lol

At 8:15 I shook hands with Joe and told him I would be in touch. As I pushed on the door, that was now dripping with condensation I escaped the oppresive heat of Gracie Philadelphia onto the cool air of Frankford ave. With a kid like smile on my face. The only thing standing between me and these classes is the $200 new member fee. Lord knows when I'm gonna have that...but fuck it, I will get it. I can't wait family.

I'm out

The Album That Changed My Life

"All day/with no nicotine/was the reason/I've been so mean/oh baby forgive/me for bein the DICK that I've been/to the children and you" Cody Chestnutt

In 2003 Butterbear purchased a bunch of shit off of Amazon. She treated me to a cd of my choice. I chose The Headphone Masterpiece by Cody Chestnutt. At the time I was somewhat of an incense burning, black power, hip hop head. So naturally my website of choice was okayplayer.com. Well in the fall of 2002 ?uestlove of the Roots(who posts on the site and is a moderator) was RAVING about this album. Sidenote: the Roots later remade a song off this album The Seed 2.0 and put it on their album Phrenology). Well I respected cool?uests musical prowess and decided to check this shit out. But it was not to be, unlike other artists he recommended I couldn't find this Chestnutt guy anywhere. So I went online. After months of searching I found the album and put it on my wishlist.

"I gotta hard dick wit a curve/that's all you deserve/ya betta go out and tell ya mama and ya friends/BITCH I'm broke!!!!!" Cody Chestnutt

After about a week of anticipation, a package wrapped in brown paper arrived. It had Butterbears name on it, but I knew it was for me. I called her and asked if she minded me opening it(hey I was a newlywed, I didn't know the rules). She said yes. I tore open the package to see the mysterious Mr Chestnutt scowling back at me. The look in his eyes sayin "you're gonna love this shit". To my surprise this shit was a double album. For 13 bucks? Can you say score!?!?!?! I popped the first disc into my discman and braced myself. Looking at song titles like Bitch I'm Broke, The Seed, Look Good in Leather etc. I didn't know what the fuck to expect.

Over the next hour and a half Cody floored me with his complex simplicity, raw language, heartfelt falsetto, and funky blues rock fusion. He somehow managed to shatter non existant expectations. Not of him or his product. But my views of what music, black music in partucular could be. Where it could take you. I was a rapper when I put that disc in. An artist when it finally stopped spinning.

The album let me know that there are no specific ways to express ones passions. It comes out how it comes out. This album gained Cody Chestnutt noterity. Not really fame, like I said he had a video with the Roots, and was in Dave Chappelles block party. But he faded away. Well in reality he bowed out. I read that he said he felt himself becoming something he didn't like. That resonated with me. I didn't know how or why until recently.

A lot of times we are lucky enough to find what we are meant to do. Too often we fuck it up trying to shape how we do it. A vessel doesn't get to choose its shape, or use for that matter. It is what the user wants and needs it to be. How many poets are out there trying to squeeze monumental ideas into 16 bars? How many brilliant artists are 30 still tagging walls? But with that I say, shout out to Cody Chestnutt and all the vessels like him, for allowing us to figure out what the are and how to use them.
"This kinda pain can shake a mans pride/and I can't deny/ that its shaken me" Cody Chesnutt

I'm out.

I'm training to become a cage fighter

Guess who's bizzack, back on the blog wit my foooooooooolk. What it look like? I'm back with some more of the Chronicles. I'm feelin pretty good. Even though daylight savings has caught and beat my ass. I have been literally dragging myself to work the past few days. Then, after being there maybe 45 minutes I start feeling like myself. Hopefully this shit works itself out by weeks end. Today will be a more mundane post than usual. I was debating on putting it up or not, but y'all are family so why the hell not? Shall we?

I'm ready to whoop some ass people. LOL. Nah, but for real after much thought, apprehension, and even doubt on my part I am most likely going to be taking up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu by the end of the month. I have always admired the martial art, ever since the first UFC where Royce Gracie went ape shit on all challengers of different disciplines and sizes. Dismantling them with a dazzling array of chokes and submission moves. It was pretty cool to watch.

Through my on again off again relationship with UFC I got to see Brazilian Jiu Jitsu evolve, as it wasn't just the Gracie family(the creators of the discipline) practicing it anymore. The one thing I always loved about it is that it isn't about speed and strength. Its more about skill and technique. For some reason, at this time I was still thinking that you had to actually GO to Brazil to learn it. Hey, I was young what can I say.

But a couple of years ago, while in the car with Butterbear, I scoped a place pretty close to my house that teaches Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Even better, the head instructor has been trained by members of the Gracie family. SCORE!!! So here I am gearing up to go check out this school tomorrow, I'm extremely excited. The classes are pretty cheap. I also need to do something active, I'm getting a little chubby in the middle. Even though I play basketball, I typically only do that a lot in the summer. I have become what I hated as a teen, a weekend warrior. So sad.....but now hopefully I found something fun and that can keep me active.

Also I've gone back to eating right. It has been a few weeks since I had some raw veggies. So I'm trying to stay on top of that too. Wish me luck.

Part of this is probably vanity, but mostly necessity. High blood pressure runs in my family and my back is FUCKED up. So carrying these extra pounds is extremely uncomfortable and potentially deadly. Also I wouldn't mind looking a little better for the misses. Though she denies it I don't think she likes the way I look. She accepts it, but I'm prolly a good 50 pounds from where I was when I met her. I don't see that glare in her eyes when I take off my clothes....oh well, I'm gonna try my best.

I'm out...

Check out the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu clips on the side